Growing Up, Emily

“Be not afraid of greatness; some are born great, others achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.” -- William Shakespeare.

Xxxxxxxxxx

Sean was not born great. Nor will he ever have greatness thrust upon him. Maybe one day he might achieve greatness, but that’s not so sure either.

Sean is a good person though. He cares a lot about people. Too much maybe.

He told me yesterday he loved me. Told me that if we couldn’t be together, he couldn’t see me ever. He told me that it hurt too much to see me, to have me so close when he couldn’t have me.

I told him that wasn’t fair. That he couldn’t say he loved me, when he knew that I don't feel the same way. I told him it wasn’t fair to say that.

His mum says he’s only ever had his heartbroken once. By me.

Sean is good person. I care a lot about him. I don’t want to hurt him again.

I spent the last year wishing I could have him back. It was all I wanted. He was all I wanted.

Sean told me yesterday I always had him. That I have always had him; no matter which other girl he was seeing.

But, now, I could have everything I’ve wanted for the last year, but… I’m stumbling. Stuttering.

I’m not sure I want Sean anymore. I think I always just want what I don’t have.

Or am I just scared of getting what I’ve wanted for the last year? Am I just wondering why I’ve not had to fight for this, like everything else?

Or do I want him to fight for me? Not to back away when I tell him I’m not sure.

Sean said whatever I decide he’ll go with, because he wants me to be happy more than anything. But maybe that’s exactly the opposite of what I want. Maybe I don’t want him just to accept whatever I choose. Maybe, I want him to prove how much I mean to him?

Is that wrong…?

[Sigh].

So, it's been forever and a bit since I wrote on here.

Since I last did, I've become hooked on Supernatural, turned 19 and got far too drunk on just two pints of cider today...

Today has been club day-- the second one I've attended this year, because I also attended my old hockey club's club day when I was back home for the Easter holidays.

It's been awesome today. My team lost, but it's been so funny. I got bundled to the floor (not really part of actual hockey, I don't think...) more times than I can remember, and have had so much fun.

The last few times I've been out with my hockey team, I've finally felt like I really fit in. You see, you know you have friends in hockey, when there's a lot of banter coming your way. And, recently, there's been a lot aimed at me. Awesome. In a weird way. Heh.

So, now I'm just getting ready for a night out with the hockey club, and more drinking. The drinking part might not be the smartest idea, but it's the first time I've been out since my birthday (Monday, just gone) and so I think I can be let off.

Hopefully, if I remember I'll post again tomorrow-- to say how things went.

Have a good evening!

[grin].

I have come to the simple conclusion I should not be allowed to go out in the evenings.

I have a tendency to get a little intoxicated by alcohol, and then kiss a boy.

It's happened twice in one week.

Which isn't so much a problem-

The issue is that I then wake up in the morning, and have to suffer through my friends very much laughing at my expense.

Therefore-

I should not be allowed to go out in the evenings.

Case closed.

[Grin].

I got my new timetable for the next semester this week. I have 20 hours a week to survive- although 2 hours of that is still missing from my timetable.

So, I can't quite plan my life yet!

All the same, 'life' just keeps getting more complicated. But, I don't think I'm going to let it bother me much this time around.

I kinda figured that no matter what, bad things are going to keep happening to me. That's just how it's always going to be.

So, maybe, I should start looking out for those good bits of what happens.

Because like can surprise you. Just when you think everything is built up against you- something always happens. Maybe, just to prove you wrong.

No matter though, huh?

No one has to be alone. And there'll always be someone there, to take your hand, and pull you through.

All I have to do is get through an exam tomorrow, and just maybe I'll survive all this.

[Grin].

So I said yes.

To the boy.

And we were going out for all of 24 hours. But, I've backed out.

And, I think the only reason why I have is because I thought about telling other people- and got scared. Partly of what they'd think (would they tell me I'd chosen wrongly, or agree?) and partly of the fact that when other people know, it's real.

I'm not ready to allow other people in to my life.

Possibly, and it's a huge possibly, the last boy I let in, I might have even gone as far as to nearly love him. But, still, it was eight months before I trusted him with even small parts of what was once my life. I couldn't bring myself to let others know how I feel.

Even when I care about them.

So, now I'm torn. Am I a bad person? And I'm fairly sure the answer to that question is yes. But, am I wrong? And the answer to that is somewhat less certain.

[...].

Okay, so this boy I mentioned last time, right. Well, I guess really he's not a boy anymore; I'm kinda getting to the age where that doesn't really apply anymore.

See, he's from hockey, back home. Until a few weeks ago I'd never really spoken to him- I thought he was a bit of a jackass, actually. Arrogant, self-obsessed, you name it.

And then he started talking to me, and, out of the blue, announced he liked me. So, I'm shocked, right.

And now, he tells me he wants to be with me, and I don't know what to do.

If he'd never said he likes me, I'd never have even thought about being with him. I've never thought 'wow, he's hot' or anything before, and to be honest even now I don't.

And getting to know him, he's still a bit of a jackass, but, he seems to care about me.

So, what to do, huh?

Because the more I think about it, the more I'm sure I don't want to be with him. But, then, I've not said no yet, and there must be some reason for that, right?

I guess it comes down to the fact, that I don't think I like him, but then, I'm here writing this- and what does that mean?

Is it just that I'm too scared to hurt his feelings by saying no? Or, is it that I'm too scared to risk my own?

[Pauses].

So, it's been a long time since I last posted- I'm apparently as good at blogging as I was at keeping a diary, and trust me I wasn't going to win any awards.

Anyways, I'm now half way through my first exams for Uni, and fairly sure I'm going to fail spectacularly, and embarrassingly. But, not much I can do now.

I'm writing this just as I'm about to head out for the second game, of the second half of the season, for hockey. Last weekend we won 14-0 so no complaints. Hopefully that's fixed our goal difference problem and puts us back into contention for promotion- that is so long as we win the two games in hand we have.

So, yeaah. Lots to be thinking about, not least a specific boy, but that'll have to come another time. I'm fairly sure I know what I'm going to say to him, and it's not going to make him happy, but, as I said, another time for that one.

'Til then, have fun. I'm planning on.

[Grin].

Yesterday I finally posted the final chapter of a story I've been writing.

If you know where to look, it's out there on the big, wide expanse of internet. I'm not giving any clues though. I'm too scared of someone I know seeing it, and laughing. Or worse.

Still, it feels good to have finished this latest, longest section. It's been a work-in-progress for over a year, and was overdue a final pull to the end.

I don't know if I'll write anymore. There's no loose ends to tie up this time, and I've got to weigh the good feelings the finished article gives against all the 'angst' it's caused along the way.

Who knows?

[Grin].

So I said Loughborough would never be home.

I was wrong. Like, reaaaally wrong.

I go home tomorrow for Christmas, and all week I've been waiting for it to end, so I could get on and out of here.

And now, when the hour of home-ness is so close, I've realised something. Something kinda important, too.

Loughborough is home.

A different type of home to the one I grew up in, but all the same. Somewhere I belong.

For all it's cold-ness, hard work and, uh, cold-ness I'm going to miss not being here. A lot.

So here it is.

My confession.

I was wrong. Completely. Utterly. Totally.

Loughborough has become, is, and forever will be from now, home to me.

Who saw that coming, huh?

'Cause sure as anything, I didn't. Not until it crept up and hit me like a steam train, that is.

[Grin].

Lots and lots of working going on at the moment.

Literally I'm working from the time I get up, till I go to sleep at about 1.00 AM.

Too much working in fact.

However, in one week, it's over. Everything is due in, and I no longer have to be working so much.

Relief will come.

I just have to last 7 days. 168 hours. 10080 minutes. 604800 seconds.

[Sigh].